If this were a beauty contest, no doubt about it, the ZALO Momoko would easily be crowned the winner. What, with its French embossing, its luxurious gold plating, and its precious unicorn-inscribed dangle, the Momoko is unquestionably a beautiful sex toy.

I don’t think anyone will argue that ZALO’s sex toys are anything less than breathtaking with their exquisite Swarovski-studded designs.

However, in the case of the Momoko, I’m afraid, this beauty only goes so deep, silicone deep, to be precise. Things got ugly (and they got ugly fast) just as soon as I turned the Momoko on for the first time and fervently smashed it against my genitals. Only to find them inundated by second-rate vibrations.

Amidst the swirl of staggering disappointment and the dreaded anticipation of the boredom that I now knew laid ahead for me, I recall thinking to myself, “So this is how it’s going to be, huh?” Then I released an audibly exasperated sigh into the ether.

By all rights, the ZALO Momoko “should” be an outstanding toy. It measures in at a conventional 7.1-inches in total length; with nearly five of those being insertable. It’s also what I’d describe as a slender toy, with a diameter of a lank 1.2-inches. Which, I’d say, is an excellent size for a first time G-spot vibrator purchase.

Along with all the bells and whistles, ZALO made sure to incorporate all the preferred modern sex toy amenities. Take, for instance, the silicone coating. Check! It’s ¹waterproof. Check! It is USB rechargeable. Check! It also has a bonus feature, a functional phone app that works well for both Android and IOS users. Check! (If you’re into those types of things. I’m not)

It even has 18-carat gold plating. For Gods’ sake!

So my question to you, ZALO, is this: if you’re willing to go THAT far to convey an air of luxury, why skimp out on the motor? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

The Momoko is my second ZALO toy and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly blown away by my introduction to the brand, via the Courage G-Spot Massager. Nevertheless, I felt it possessed enough strength to be considered a decent option for someone who’s inclined toward a paler species of vibration. Someone who doesn’t mind sacrificing power for the toy’s overall aesthetic appeal. I was expecting the Momoko to at least keep pace with the Courage.

Spoiler alert! It doesn’t it.

Mine and the Momoko’s earliest exploits were thwarted by my reaching peak levels of frustration. By the conclusion of the first session, I was edgier than I had been before I’d begun. Masturbation is not supposed to be this taxing. I called it a day, when I noticed my jaw was clenched from the aggravation of trying to force an orgasm. It took a lot for me not to indulge the overwhelming urge to fling this godforsaken vibrator, (gold plated unicorn dangle, and all) across my bedroom.

Best believe next time I came prepared.

Before starting the next round of testing, I had the wherewithal to station a fully charged “finisher” or more specifically the Sola Cue, conveniently within arm’s reach. Which I must say, turned out to be a brilliant strategy on my part. One that saved me from the private disgrace of scampering around my bedroom, naked from the waist down, while frantically hunting a suitable stand-in for the Momoko’s abysmal performance. The only upside is no one would have been there to witness it, had this hilarity ensued.

See! It always pays to think ahead.

But, giving up isn’t in my nature and eventually, my persistence paid off. I eventually managed to scrounge out one feeble, largely ineffectual, orgasm. This (insert air quotes here) “orgasm” was but little more than a fleeting flutter. In truth, it would be better described as a barely discernible, involuntary muscular spasm. It petered out before it really began.

That I was successful at orgasming with the Momoko, at all, is undoubtedly proof of my innate stubbornness. A dual-edged personality trait that I have countless times witnessed my poor Mother and Father blame on one another over the years.

Satisfied that my mission is now complete. I confess I do not intend to use this toy ever again. It looks like the Momoko will be relegated to the big blue storage bin of misfit toys. At least it won’t be lonely there. What a waste of beauty, though.

The lesson here is all that glitters is not gold. And what is not meant to be, simply, is not meant to be. The Momoko is proof that you can put lipstick on a lousy sex toy, but it’s still a lousy sex toy.

However, if you’re still smitten by the glamour and the glitz of the ZALO toy line, I recommend the Courage G-Spot Massager as a suitable stand-in. But, be forewarned, it is a toy that only has two steady vibrations, and its vibrations are the epitome of mediocrity at best. If on the other hand, you don’t mind using a plain old run-of-the-mill vibrator, minus the gold chain, I would recommend either, the Sola Cue or We-Vibe’s Rave. Both are excellent G-spot vibrators and both are celebrated for their rumbly vibrations.

¹ From SheVibe’s product description: Waterproof grade IPX7. This product is protected against splashing of water and short durations of water immersion. Max immersion for less than 30 minutes and at a depth of less than 1 meter (3 feet).

Get your own ZALO Momoko at SheVibe