Show me an unusual or oddball sex toy feature, and chances are I’ll have a hard time passing it up. And so it goes with the Cal Exotics Surf City Centerfold, with its peculiar-looking pulsating plate. A curious feature characterized on the packaging as being capable of generating “thumping pulsations.”
I’ll admit that the Centerfold’s siren’s song of potentialities might have too easily seduced me. All I know is I could hardly wait to smash its bizarre pulsating plate against my intimate bits.
Perhaps, I was a little too enthusiastic, being as I nearly took a sprawling nosedive to the carpet in my hurried scramble to try this oddity out for the first time.
On the way to my bedroom, I’d hastily unfastened the button of my jeans. You know, to get a running start, since I fully intended to drop trou and get straight down to business as soon as I made it to the privacy of my room. And even with a modified, bow-legged gait, my jeans wound up sliding over my hips, landing around my ankles, causing me to stumble and nearly fall headfirst.
Making matters worse, I couldn’t kick them free, seeing as I was still wearing laced-up tennis shoes. So I was forced to do a tottering, side-to-side penguin walk with them around my ankles the rest of the way to my room.
And to think, I went through all the hassle only to have my hopes utterly trashed.
Personal taste is a highly subjective beast. And, in what may come as no surprise to anyone, I quickly realized one man’s “thumping pulsation” is another man’s gentle nudge…? Err…delicate poke, or faint tap, perhaps???
I considered “thumping” — at least, in this particular instance, as a wee bit of an overstatement.
I almost felt I should double-check the box for the ultra-fine print that I’d somehow overlooked. A simple one-line warning that reads: *Batteries included. Results may vary.
Here’s a brief rundown of the Centerfold’s various features. Along with three speeds of pulsation, the silicone-covered Centerfold comes equipped with ten optional vibration speeds. And like most modern era sex toys, it’s USB rechargeable, waterproof, and has a three-second hold-to-activate travel lock.
After trying it out the first few times, I became a bit perplexed about this toy’s intended primary use.
To tell you the truth, I spent some time internally debating whether I should be utilizing the toy externally or internally? Or, perhaps, it was meant to do both, interchangeably?
Seeing as how up to that point neither option had been successful at procuring orgasms, I was left scratching my head.
After expressing my uncertainties to the interwebs, I swiftly obtained the answers I’d been searching for. The Centerfold was, indeed, intended for insertion, and more specifically, designed to pummel against, and stimulate the G-spot.
Although I inwardly still held out hopes, of it working in an external capacity, in one way or another.
My chief complaint with the Centerfold is the pulsations are not nearly robust enough. If you’re going to design a toy meant to knead the G-spot, it had better pound on that baby like it’s the cops at the door with a search warrant.
But nope, unfortunately, each of the Centerfold’s three pulsation settings feels more like the nervous, unsure pecking of an apprehensive suitor who’s showed up at your place for a first date.
And while the toy feels much more pleasant with the vibrations activated along with the pulsation. If you’re were hoping the vibrations might be its saving grace, you might want to think again.
Perhaps, had the motor been on par with the likes of the powerful Sola Cue or the We-Vibe Rave, there might have been a kernel of optimism for the Centerfold. There could have been at least one redeeming quality to fall back on. But yet again, the Centerfold doesn’t fail to disappoint.
The motor’s vibrations are weak and horribly muffled by its beefy outer layer of silicone. They were just another huge letdown whether I implemented them internally or externally.
And how did I fair while using the pulsation feature externally? I don’t even wanna talk about it.
So as it turns out, the Centerfold’s pulsating plate is sort of like a self-driving car. A really cool, but ultimately useless feature. Granted, it’s doesn’t have the same potential for death and destruction.
Or perhaps, the Centerfold is closer in proximity to that strange mashup of fork and spoon that never really took off. The much-derided, and easily mocked spork. Like the spork, the Centerfold attempts to fuse together the best of two worlds. It ambitiously strives to meld two of our favorite sex toy genres; a pulsator and a G-spot vibrator. And it winds up failing just as spectacularly as the spork.
My best advice to you, if you’re looking for a pulsator get a pulsator — something like the Fun Factory Stronic-G or the Stronic Real. And if you’re looking for a solid G-spot vibrator, I recommend either the Sola Cue, We-Vibe’s Rave, or Jopen’s Pavé Vivian. That’s just my two cents.
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