What can I say, it’s a rare occurrence that I dislike a toy this much. After using the Trigger only a handful of times, I’ve already begun fantasizing about destroying it, à la 100 Ways to Die, sex toy edition.

Not that I’m entirely surprised by this turn of events. No, what astonished me, was when I tried the Adrien Lastic Trigger out the first couple of times, I actually had some incredibly potent dual orgasms.

Regrettably, this was an outcome that was never to be repeated.

Since then, no amount of wishing, wailing, or praying has brought forth another single orgasm from my using the Trigger. And let me tell ya something, I’ve spent countless minutes, lying on my back, staring listlessly up at the ceiling. My mind wandering aimlessly, before I revert back to counting ceiling tiles. This, my only diversion from the repetitive droning on of the Trigger’s oscillating arm. As it moves stiffly up and down inside my vag.

On, and on, and on, it goes, steadfast and intent only on one objective. Eagerly repeating the only movement it knows. Clearly, as an inanimate object, it’s entirely unaware and unfazed by the boredom that I’ve endured at it’s “hands.”

That’s right, this toy’s automated arm produces a horrendous mechanical whirring that seems to grow louder the longer I’ve endured it. Like the heart in Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart, this time, only with a gyrating sex toy.

Strangely enough, the product description calls this monstrosity “whisper quiet.” Straight up, let me tell you, either someone is outright lying, or they urgently in need of having their hearing tested.

So, can you really blame me for harboring a murderous rage towards this idiotic toy?

Honestly, I think I’ve been a real trooper. I’ve tried all seven of the vibrational patterns and both types of oscillation. I’ve tried finessing the clitoral arm. Placing it in every possible configuration. In hopes of recreating a tiny fraction of the pleasure I know I once experienced. However, the clitoral arm’s buzzy vibrations are sadly never able to reproduce even an ounce of the same pleasure.

I almost feel like I’ve been punked. I’m serious y’all, did someone play an early April fools day joke on me? Covertly replacing the Trigger that originally got me off with an identical crappy clone. Perhaps, while I was sleeping?  Or, did I, in fact, only dream I had actual real-legitimate orgasms with the Trigger? Were they merely a figment of my imagination?

See, prior to those couple of fluke orgasms, I held no false sense of hope. Instead, I actually had serious doubts about mine and the Trigger’s compatibility. One being the ultra gimmicky-nature of this rabbit vibe’s newfangled oscillation feature. Something I view as a highly ambitious feature and one I knew would be extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, to successfully pull off.

In theory, the oscillating is supposed to imitate the come-hither motion, a very popular and well-known method of stimulating the G-Spot. However, this toy falls short of authentically reproducing this gesture.

At the same time, I won’t even try to deny that the Trigger’s oscillation feature was a huge part of my morbid curiosity with this peculiar looking toy. What with my penchant for bold, in your face power, I figured the mechanized insertable arm, with its rippled texture, and what the product guide called the Trigger’s three “powerful motors”, I stood a fair chance of at least liking the Trigger.

I mean, beyond the addition of an oscillating arm, the Trigger, is a relatively routine design for a rabbit style vibrator. It’s 1.6-inches at its widest, it has 4.5″ of insertable length, and has an extended-length clit stim arm. That comes in at 2.25-inches, easily providing plenty of maneuverability. Something I find essential in a dual stim vibe.

In this case, the oscillation feature is exactly what I thought it was, a gimmick. The Trigger fails to provide the vigorous back and forth motion needed to feel anything like a genuine pair of upturned fingers against the G-spot. Instead, the sluggish, up and down motion only bores me to tears. The Trigger could learn a lot from Fun Factory’s Stronic G.

To this day, the source of those first two orgasms remains shrouded in mystery. I’m still not sure of their true origin. It stands to reason, that perhaps, I was ovulating that day and hence remarkably horny. All I know is, try as I might, I’ve never been able to reproduce the same results. Short of outsourcing the clit stimulation to one of my favorite bullet vibes.

Turns out that a lot of these outlandish features, wind up being a double-edged sword. Being both my reason for me choosing to review a particular toy and a lot of times, in the end, my reason for despising it, too.

But on a positive note, now I know my bedroom has 120 individual ceiling tiles.