In the days before my discovery of sex toy reviewers and sex blogs, if someone were to ask me, “What is your ideal sex toy?”

I would have little doubt, unabashedly replied, “A hands-free one!” Just like that, with little to no consideration. (My second choice, most likely, a rabbit, ha!)

 Ignorance ≠ Bliss

Similar to the child who wants a puppy for Christmas having no concept of the amount of work that goes into caring for a pet, I wanted what I wanted. The logistics involved in fulfilling my wishes were of little consequence. I yet remained blissfully unaware of the difficulties, and complexities my preferences in adult toys hinged upon.

Fast forward to today, I’m a lot more informed, even if I haven’t reached “expert status” just yet. I’m most assuredly clued-in enough to realize how difficult it will be to locate a wearable sex toy that works with my anatomy. Let alone one that works for a wide spectrum of body types. There are so many variables to consider.

Yet, when given the chance to review one, I realized I’m not quite ready to let go of my delusion, oops, I mean dream, of finding a hands-free, i.e, wearable vibrator. I couldn’t refrain from giving the Satisfyer Whale a chance. I mean, I am pretty impressed with a lot of the air pulse toys that Satisfyer makes. So I thought “Who knows maybe this will work out?”

Well, frankly, I was wrong. I barely managed to have one pitiful orgasm while wearing the Satisfyer Whale. Standing alone with my legs clenched tightly together in the shower. Not quite what I was going for.

What Does the Whale Say?

Even still, straight out the gate, the Satisfyer Whale scores major bonus points with me. I applaud Satisyer for finding yet another animal to incorporate into a sex toy name/design. Wait, tell me I’m not alone in feeling this way? Surely I can’t be the only one who prizes dolphin shaped vibrators and koala hugging dildos, but maybe I’m wrong, maybe that’s just my thing. If so, can we just pretend I never said that?

Obviously, I approve of the matte silicone exterior and its magnetic charging capabilities. I’m also happy to see that it’s waterproof, but sadly, that about sums up my list of likes.

Before I go on, I want to point out that there is no hard and fast rule that says you have to use the Satisfyer Whale, or any other so-called “couples’ toy” with a partner. You can most assuredly use them alone. And I made sure to experiment with both options. Neither, of which, was ideal for me.

Something I found extremely awkward in both partnered and solo scenarios, was the placement of the control button. I understand there’s not a whole lot of button-placement options to choose from when designing this type of toy. Surface space is bound to be limited, but let’s face it, the current position of the button is whack and hard to navigate when inserted. No matter which way you’re using the toy, solo or partnered.

This may be one of the only instances where I’d actually prefer an alternate method for control. Either a dedicated remote control or, I can’t believe I’m saying this, even an app. This would be one of my suggestions if a newer version is to ever emerge.

Bordering On TMI

Forgive me in advance, this could be bordering on TMI, but let me tell you something, guys. My vagina was pretty much at its maximum compacity with my partner’s penis and the Whale’s insertable arm both inside. This was, to say the least, rather uncomfortable. The worst part was the way the Whale’s interior arm painfully jabbed into the anterior wall of my vagina. As of this writing, I’m still feeling slightly tender, and it’s going on five days since we last used the Whale together.

Surprisingly, the Whale lined up with my external anatomy quite well and easily made contact with my clit. However, the internal discomfort I experienced completely overshadowed the buzzy vibrations emanating from the external arm of the Whale. Meaning, I garnered no pleasure from the toy itself, during PIV. We, or maybe I should say, I, was only able to endure it for a small stretch each of the times we tried using it.

My partner seemed to get more enjoyment from the increased friction and the internal vibrations than me. Of course, he didn’t want me to suffer and insisted I take it out. Which I did, and every time I ended up switching the Whale out for one of my favorite clit vibes.

Not A Big Enough Pay-Off

As for my solo endeavors with the Whale, this is where I scored my one and only orgasm. Solo was definitely a big improvement over the partnered scenario. That is if the mere lack of discomfort can be called, a big improvement. I noticed rather quickly that without the added distraction of pain, the failure of the Whale’s motor became glaringly obvious. How many times do we have to tell sex toy companies, we like deep rumbly vibrations?!! The Whale is heartbreakingly buzzy.

I did manage, out of pure dedication, to have one, weak, pitiful orgasm. The trick was crossing my legs and squeezing really tight. I guess the added pressure helped hold the external arm more directly on my clit. All too much trouble for the payoff, in my book.

While there is a very slim likelihood that I could ever enjoy the Satisfyer Whale in its current form during penetrative sex. I do think, that since it lines up with my external anatomy quite well, that I could enjoy the Satisfyer Whale and appreciate it as a solo toy if the buzzy motor was replaced with a rumblier version. A complaint I find myself repeating too often in my reviews.

Stick To What You Know, Maybe?

So in summary, Satisyer is not well-known for creating powerful “traditional vibrators”, but they are known to make some amazing suction powered toys. So maybe, this is just a case of sticking to what you’re good at Satisfyer.

As for me, this was my initiation into the world of wearable toys and I knew I was playing against the odds. While part of me is surprised I didn’t enjoy the Satisfyer Whale, another part wonders how I could have thought it would work out any other way.

So it goes with the newly initiated in any group, pet owner and sex toy reviewer alike. It’s only after we have some experience under our belt that we begin to fully appreciate the minutiae of work that goes into realizing our dreams. And that maybe, just maybe, we may have underestimated the level of difficulty required to achieve them.

Get your Satisfyer Whale at now at Peepshow Toys