Review: Zumio X

Monday, Jun 25th, 2018

I won’t lie, mine and my darling Zumio X’s relationship got off to a rocky start. As epic love affairs seldom do. I take full responsibility for making the unwise choice to place the Zumio’s hard unforgiving, ultra-targeted SpiroTIP™ against what was then my overworked and tender clit.

What follows should act as a cautionary tale.

You see, the first time I tried the Zumio, I’d already indulged myself with four earlier orgasms.

Without any real forethought, the Zumio wound up being number four in a lineup of sex toys that I was hellbent on testing that fateful day. A die-hard mission that stemmed from a need to feel like I was, at least, attempting to get a handle on my burgeoning queue of toy reviews.

You know what they say – “Hindsight is 20/20.” And you can damn well bet it’s crystal clear now, that I should have sat down and thought this whole toy line up though, just a wee bit more.

Unfortunately, I didn’t, which is precisely why my first encounter with, my beloved Zumio, was a crash and burn catastrophe of epic proportions.

I’d started off with all four toys prepped and lying at the ready, beside me on my bedside table. (I’d even remembered to top off my Touch™ lube dispenser in preparation for this extended session. Filling it to the brim with Sliquid H²O.)

Quick to get down to the business at hand, I rapidly knocked out the first two orgasms of the day, using the first toy in the lineup. Then I continued on by randomly grabbing and using whichever toy was closest to me in proximity. Again, there was no rhyme or reason involved in the process.

Eventually, all that was left was the Zumio, lying there looking so harmless beside my digital alarm clock. Honestly, it looked somewhat clinical, and truth be told, rather dull.

So for those of you who are keeping count, the score was three toys down with only one left to go, the Zumio. I knew I was pushing my body’s limits, but I was intent on soldiering through this last and final toy.

It was this exact cocktail of cockiness and dogged determination that led to my eventual downfall. In my haste to finish the lineup, I had (un?)intentionally glossed over the fact that my clit was already in a perilous state of hypersensitivity. Ignoring that it was showing clear signs of distress and that it was assuredly nearing its maximum orgasm limit for the day. Truth be told, my clit was close to redlining, and there I was about to press one of the hardest, most notoriously pinpoint toys on the market against it, the Zumio.

I didn’t care; I had a quota to meet, people!

Pointblank, I got greedy. I’m not ashamed to say as much.

Boy oh boy, was I quick to learn my lesson. I was quick in discovering that merely brushing the hard, oscillating ball-point of the Zumio against my tender, overworked clit (and if you want to get technical about it, underpaid) set my nerves on edge. Shooting waves of needling pain coursing across my genitals. It was intense, the pain I mean. Originating from the middle of my crotch, my clit indicated as a red-hot pulsating bullseye. It felt like ice water on a sensitive tooth or nails on a chalkboard.

At that very moment, my clit retracted into my body, like a frightened turtle retreating into its shell for safety.

Unbeknownst to me, the frightened little fella had mounted a revolt against the Zumio X and me. He was officially on strike, not having any part of the Zumio.

With my partner in crime sore and out of commission for the day, I had to surrender. It was time I raised my little white flag. My review queue would just have to wait. What, with the star of the show now down for the count, what choice did I really have?

I’d not anticipated, or at the bare minimum, I’d underestimated the intensity of the Zumio’s ultra-targeted (that which, I now revel in) oscillation. That, coupled with the toy’s hard, ball-point tip, was just too much for my overburned little buddy to handle that day.

So yeah, after granting my partner in crime a couple of day’s respite, I gathered the courage to attempt the Zumio once again. This time, unsurprisingly, with much better results.

On this second go-round, things went the way I had anticipated them to go the first time. (As they should have.)

On paper, the Zumio looks to be tailor-made for me. It satisfies my lust for intense, ultra-targeted vibrations. Or, as in this case, I should say oscillations.

I am that person who thrives on bold, ultra-targeted clitoral stimulation.

If you were to look up precision and intensity in a dictionary you should theoretically find a photo of the Zumio. It’s genuinely an intense sort of toy. Something which the Zumio’s strange-looking design, one that’s reminiscent of an electric toothbrush, belies.

The level of precision we’re talking about here is frankly, mind-boggling. And here I thought the Fun Factory Volta’s tips had GPS level accuracy. Granted, they are still pretty good, the Zumio’s SpiroTIP™, no bigger than the end of a Q-tip, can meticulously hone in on an exact, finite portion of my clitoris. This level of accuracy is unprecedented in all my past experiences.

Forget GPS; this thing has long-range, heat-seeking missile levels of accuracy.

It’s also worth mentioning that it did require a few moments for me to adjust to the Zumio’s, almost, microscopic scale and its extreme levels of exactness. The Zumio’s tiny tip makes my clit suddenly feel foreign to me. It’s almost as if it has suddenly doubled in size, with acres of new, unexplored territory for me to navigate. Amazingly, the small proportions of the ball-point tip, have me seeing or, instead, feeling my genitals from a whole new perspective.

Another peculiar thing is that, although the Zumio X doesn’t possess thunderous levels of rumble, it is still intense and satisfying. These oscillations are of a much more surface-level variety. They are superficial and don’t penetrate very deeply. Not enough to reach the deeper, buried structures of the clitoris.

As opposed to some of my favorite, rumbly vibrators that reverberate deep within the flesh.

Strange as that sounds, it somehow works! I don’t claim to know-how, but indeed, it does!

After recovering from a shaky start, my Zumio X and I are now like two peas in a pod, like Ben N Jerry’s, like PB & J. In other words, we were meant for each other.

My only minor caveat with the Zumio X is that it’s a little pricey. It’ll set you back somewhere around a hundred bucks. Who’s with me on this? That’s a whole lot of loot to spend on a toy with such a limited repertoire of uses. Let’s be real, its ultra-targeted tip limits it to only highly targeted sorts of play. So please be aware of its limitations, if you choose to buy it.