I’ve never started a review with a facepalm before, but just before I started writing this, I sat with my head in my hands. Trying to ignore the feeling of impending doom, and figure out how I was going to get through it. Offline I’m prone to passive aggressions. A lot of the time I find it hard to confront uncomfortable or unpleasant issues head on.

I’m the one always trying to dodge hurt feelings, negative vibes, and all the yucky stuff that comes along with them. It’s hard for me to accept that sometimes there just is no silver lining.

One Vibrator to Rule Them All

As a sex toy reviewer, I realize I’d be doing my readers a huge disservice if I attempted to sugarcoat my feelings or concerns with a certain sex toy. So here goes nothing. Deep breath in…. Guys, I hate the MysteryVibe Crescendo.

There, I finally said it out loud, well kind of, and I’m already starting to feel better. Really though, I don’t think I’ve every felt this strongly about a sex toy before.MysteryVibe Crescendo

Honestly, I tried hard to find any redeeming qualities that could justify the Crescendo’s outrageously high price. Going as far as jotting down numerous checklists of pro vs cons, but there is one huge con that carries a lot of weight. Something that I find inexcusable. One major issue that can’t be forgiven and that, my friends, brings me to the enormous, house-sized elephant in the room. The Crescendo’s vibrational strength, or should I say, lack thereof?

You know what bothers me more than anything, though? The Crescendo really could have been something special.

A little bit of history. Before they ever began the project of creating their flagship product, the Crescendo, the UK-based MysteryVibe, composed of a group of engineers, researchers, and designers, spent years researching their design concept. They dreamed of “Creating a sex toy that would adapt to any body shape and vibrate to any pattern.” Sounds like they wanted to craft the ultimate vibrator or the “One Vibrator to Rule Them All.”

Hindsight Is 20/20

It’s sad to see how things turned out.

MysteryVibe started off on the right foot, displaying their willingness to listen to consumers’ feedback by scrapping their original idea of using TPE, and substituting silicone instead. For this they deserve kudos, but that’s about a far as my admiration goes.

Their extensive research did wind up producing some unique innovations. Including a completely new and revamped, wireless charging station, that I just so happen to despise. It’s supposed to make charging the Crescendo easy as pie. Yet, I find the disc-shaped cradle anything but easy to use. It’s a pain trying to get the Crescendo to lie precisely in the right spot to charge. Plus, if the Crescendo and the dock, are both not sitting on a smooth, hard surface, you may as well forget about it. Guys, the regular plug-in style cable would have sufficed. No need to blow our minds with some fancy schmancy wireless docking system.MysteryVibe Crescendo

I can also see where a lot of thought went into the Crescendo’s packaging. It’s honestly one of the prettiest, highest quality packagings I’ve ever seen, a sex toy come in, but I can’t get off with a cardboard box, can I? So it’s a waste of resources, in my humble opinion. Speaking of wasted resources. Not gonna lie, while I do adore the Crescendo’s gorgeous, black quilted storage case, I can’t help but feel that the money spent in its creation could have been so much better spent on stronger motors.

That brings me back to my biggest complaint. For God’s sake, someone should have spent some time researching motors. Especially, when your toy has six of them. Yes, you heard that right, six! Six of the weakest, most pitiful excuses for vibrator motors I’ve come across. Here’s the bottom line, you can give me all the apps, vibrational patterns, and shapes you want, but if the vibrations themselves are weak, it’s a no go. There’s no way around this simple fact for me. The vibrations coming out of the Crescendo are on par with a vibrating cell phone or leaning against the washer during the spin cycle. Not to mention they’re rather loud, only adding further insult to injury.

The Heartbreak Kid

When you get right down to it, the Crescendo is a vibrator after all. So, what if you can twist and form it into different shapes? So what if you can control its settings via app?¹ If the user can’t even feel the vibrations, all of the add-ons are pointless. I was shocked by the low-level vibrations produced by the Crescendo. No way they were ever going to get me off. This is only the second time, I’ve encountered a toy that my clit completely turned its nose up at. I could almost hear it screaming at me in a snobby tone “How dare you waste my time with this, poor excuse for a vibrator!”

MysteryVibe Crescendo

And I completely agree because she’s absolutely right, it is a waste of time. After just a handful of frustrating attempts, lying in bed with the Crescendo pressed against my vulva, unamused nor aroused by its buzzy vibes, I threw in the towel and finally gave up. Not gonna happen. After all, I’m a blogger, not a miracle worker!

Until there is a hardware update, the MysteryVibe Crescendo, will be always be remembered by me as the sex toy world’s heartbreak kid. While I can applaud MysteryVibe swinging for the fences, the truth of that matter is that they dropped the ball with the Crescendo’s pathetic choice in motors.

1. Right before this review went live a new firmware update became available through the app. Hoping for a miracle, I installed it, but as I had suspected, a virtual update can’t fix the Crescendo’s problem. It’s going to take a hardware update. I’d be thrilled to hear they plan to replace the motors with better ones. The Crescendo 2.0 could be vindication for a company that started with pure intentions.

Get your MysteryVibe Crescendo at these fine sex toy retailers, LUVOQA.